Caring for a Young Spouse

One of the most difficult scenarios that one can deal with is finding yourself newly married and then your spouse gets a devastating diagnosis. All the dreams you had as you committed your lives to each other just evaporate before both of you. You really meant 'in sickness and in health' but you just never really anticipated it would be this soon in your marriage.

When you're alone with your thoughts you may wonder if you can hang in for the duration. It may not be a terminal illness but a chronic debilitating illness, leaving them incapable of working. As is true with many chronic illnesses there may be a great deal of pain involved. With pain often comes medications. With long term medications may come addictions. All of these things may be issues that are now part of your daily life.

Discussions may ensue whether or not to have a family. If your male partner is going to be undergoing chemotherapy you may want to have the discussion as to whether or not to have his sperm frozen.

Your relationship is likely to change on many levels and your marriage, and commitment, will be tested. Your partner may become very depressed, easily agitated, and enveloped in 'woe is me.' Although these are very difficult to deal with they are a very normal response to their present situation. One of the best things you can do at that point is to plan for some counseling sessions. Your roles have been redefined and you both need to say good-bye to the life you both anticipated. Your partner may likely have guilt that they are not there for you, if you have children already that they aren't there to be a 'parent' the way they wanted to be--or may need to come to the realization that they may not live to watch their children grow up. That's a terrible burden to leave on your partner--and both sides really need to discuss what they want for their children.

Another major aspect that is likely to have changed in your relationship is sex. And, let's be honest, it is an important element to one's relationship. This is not the time to find 'wanderlust'. Find a way to enjoy sex with each other in whatever capacity you can. Do they need a massage, or a sponge bath? Make it erotic.

As a young couple it is likely that as the caregiver you will also need to be gainfully employed. There are pros and cons to this. It gives you a break away from your caregiving role while enabling you to have meaningful friendships at the office. That's an important aspect of your own mental well being. But don't use it as a refuge. It is easy to spend extra hours away from home while all your spouse has thought about all day is when you'll be back. The more hours you spend away the more that resentment may build between you.

Let's assume that your spouse is bedridden, or basically mostly convined to your home. What is it that you did together before you got married that you both could enjoy? Rent a movie? Make some popcorn? A romantic dinner? A night of cards? Scrabble? Have friends over?

If they are capable of helping then it is in both of your best interest that you ask them to prepare a wonderful meal for you both. Maybe you'll need to teach them a few culinary dishes but it will give them a sense of dignity--that they can still offer something to the relationship.

Leave them little love notes when you go off to work. "Looking forward to a nice evening listening to music tonight with my sweetie." Or bring home a massage therapist for both of you.

Remember that it's important to treat yourself well, but don't stop treating your spouse as your spouse.