When the Roles Reverse

There will come a time when, suddenly, you will realize that you've become the parent. It's a very sad moment for most of us. The person who had been your moral compass, your emotional support, advisor, cheerleader, and YOUR caregiver--now is totally dependent on you. This was one of the saddest days of my life, and yet, I needed to remain strong for my mother who sat next to me, sobbing, with her head on my shoulder. I'll never forget the moment. Our roles had reversed. Her life was no longer in her control--it was now in mine. It would now be my responsibility to make decisions that would impact the remainder of her life.

This transition may come gradually or may be an overnight event. Realize this moment is traumatic for both of you.

It is at this moment that you'll have to be very certain you are emotionally, physically, and financially equipped to handle this new role. Many of you will also be a parent to children who also need and are dependent on you. You will have to balance each role cautiously. And you may also need to be an attentive spouse and partner.

It's important to bring your family into the extended family picture. Grandchildren, no matter what their ages, can be a great comfort to a grandparent. Young ones can help get slippers, adjust a pillow, read them their homework, and older children can help with chores to ease your own burden. They, along with your spouse can also help with meals or laundry. But it's important that you identify what your anticipated needs will be so you can get your family on board with being part of the solution, rather than adding to the problem. And yes, it may not be fair to have to involve your children and spouse in the care of your parent, but, life is rarely fair.

If you are the adult child caring for an opposite sex parent do go back to my previous post on preserving one's dignity. Allow them their privacy even if you are required to dress or bathe them. I assure you that what is difficult for you is ten times more difficult for them.

I grew up with my maternal grandmother living with us. Our house was small and my grandmother's bed was in the den which is where the family television was located. My father felt his space was invaded. You need to be very aware of everyone else's feelings because this will impact on your other relationships. Compromise is the name of the game. Make certain you understand what every one's needs are before you make changes without their knowledge, or input. Don't be a martyr. As a family you are all in this together. And when everyone is included it truly can be a very rewarding experience for all.

But none of this is easy. You may find a need to go to some family counseling sessions in order to make sure everyone fully grasps the meaning of 'compromise'. And that everyone learns how they can best pitch in to help. Decide if you can afford some additional help, whether with the person needing care or with household chores. Spending $60 on a cleaning service is money well spent if you can afford it.

And I will add another important piece of information. My mother was very dedicated to her mother and it was at the expense of my father. Now whether or not my Dad was, or was not, being immature is really irrelevant. My Dad died suddenly of a heart attack and my grandmother lived for many more years. You cannot assume that others in your life will continue to be there when your caregiver obligations are over. This is why you need a family 'game plan'.

Assessing the Costs of Caregiving

The average amount of time spent being a caregiver is five years. Unless you are aware of a terminal illness that may cause a death prior to that time you should figure your costs for a five year plan.

Will you need to take off work in order to provide care? Can you afford to do this? You will likely need to be available to take your loved one to medical appointments--which can be frequent. Do they need someone to be with them all day, or can they be independent while you are working?,

Does your community have an Adult Day Program? The typical costs are $40 a day. Does it provide transportation or is that your responsibility? Is there an active Senior Center in their community that they could spend some time each day?

What about meals? Will you make the meals for them? If you work will you leave a prepared meal? Do you have Meals on Wheels delivery available? These are on a sliding scale fee and frankly, I find them neither nutritious nor appetizing. Typically they are very high in sodium with a high tomato sauce content which can be irritating to a sensitive stomach to add all that acid. Can you afford to hire a personal chef who would cook 10 meals a week and leave them in their freezer?

Can you contact a local agency to do home care during the day? Or can you afford a private hire? In any case, you want to make certain that not only do you do a careful search but also a background investigation before you bring someone into your home to work with your loved one.

If you make the decision to keep your loved one at home, you will need to find a resource for a break. You will need a vacation time during the year. Will you have the support of other family members while you go away? Is there a nursing facility that has a respite care program that would be able to accomodate them for a week or so?

The average cost of a nursing home care is $50,000 a year--and that's without special services. The majority of the population still do not have long term care insurance so is this an amount you could afford? Because this is a long-term commitment, planning for the future is key. Take into account your loved one's financial resources, what opportunities there are in your community, and your emotional health.

In a great plan, you would have had this discussion with your loved one long before they need your help. You'll know what they want, be able to talk about what if you are unable to do that and what options they'd like. I also think it's a good idea to have them put it in writing so you can refer back to it with them if need be. With careful planning, being a caregiver can not only be doable but also rewarding for both of you.