When the Roles Reverse

There will come a time when, suddenly, you will realize that you've become the parent. It's a very sad moment for most of us. The person who had been your moral compass, your emotional support, advisor, cheerleader, and YOUR caregiver--now is totally dependent on you. This was one of the saddest days of my life, and yet, I needed to remain strong for my mother who sat next to me, sobbing, with her head on my shoulder. I'll never forget the moment. Our roles had reversed. Her life was no longer in her control--it was now in mine. It would now be my responsibility to make decisions that would impact the remainder of her life.

This transition may come gradually or may be an overnight event. Realize this moment is traumatic for both of you.

It is at this moment that you'll have to be very certain you are emotionally, physically, and financially equipped to handle this new role. Many of you will also be a parent to children who also need and are dependent on you. You will have to balance each role cautiously. And you may also need to be an attentive spouse and partner.

It's important to bring your family into the extended family picture. Grandchildren, no matter what their ages, can be a great comfort to a grandparent. Young ones can help get slippers, adjust a pillow, read them their homework, and older children can help with chores to ease your own burden. They, along with your spouse can also help with meals or laundry. But it's important that you identify what your anticipated needs will be so you can get your family on board with being part of the solution, rather than adding to the problem. And yes, it may not be fair to have to involve your children and spouse in the care of your parent, but, life is rarely fair.

If you are the adult child caring for an opposite sex parent do go back to my previous post on preserving one's dignity. Allow them their privacy even if you are required to dress or bathe them. I assure you that what is difficult for you is ten times more difficult for them.

I grew up with my maternal grandmother living with us. Our house was small and my grandmother's bed was in the den which is where the family television was located. My father felt his space was invaded. You need to be very aware of everyone else's feelings because this will impact on your other relationships. Compromise is the name of the game. Make certain you understand what every one's needs are before you make changes without their knowledge, or input. Don't be a martyr. As a family you are all in this together. And when everyone is included it truly can be a very rewarding experience for all.

But none of this is easy. You may find a need to go to some family counseling sessions in order to make sure everyone fully grasps the meaning of 'compromise'. And that everyone learns how they can best pitch in to help. Decide if you can afford some additional help, whether with the person needing care or with household chores. Spending $60 on a cleaning service is money well spent if you can afford it.

And I will add another important piece of information. My mother was very dedicated to her mother and it was at the expense of my father. Now whether or not my Dad was, or was not, being immature is really irrelevant. My Dad died suddenly of a heart attack and my grandmother lived for many more years. You cannot assume that others in your life will continue to be there when your caregiver obligations are over. This is why you need a family 'game plan'.