Dignity First!

When caring for someone whose abilities have diminished, it is paramount that you never erode their self-confidence. There are very few people on the planet who I think ENJOY needing to depend on another for assistance. It's demeaning, it's humiliating, and the person feels less of a human being.

I think one of the benefits of my writing this topic is that I've been in both roles;both a caregiver as well as the one receiving care. After an accident I was incapacitated, hospitalized for two months, and in a wheelchair for 6 months. I instantly went from someone who was used to doing for others--and how I defined myself--to someone without a purpose any longer.

My 'activities' were limited to reading, eating, and watching television. I've always been a voracious reader but knowing it was one of only three alternatives was very difficult. But my personal tragedy was also a blessing in that I rekindled friendships with a family who I had loved since I was a teen--and I found myself living in their family home and remembering every reason why I fell in love with this family decades ago. I truly don't believe there's a human who wants to hand a urinal to another human being and ask, "Could you dump this for me?" So, you need to be sensitive about things that may be embarrassing to them. It does help if you assure them that it doesn't bother you and even to make a joke about it can lighten the moment.

And also remember, if we live long enough, most of us will need to be cared for at some point in our lives. So do think through, 'what if the roles were reversed?' How would you want to be treated? What would be comforting to you? What would help to make you feel more productive?

If the person needs assistance in dressing, toileting or showering try to keep them as covered as much as possible. Most people are not 'flashers' and prefer to keep their bodies to themselves. Hold an over sized towel in front of them as they get into the shower. Give them a towel to cover the parts you are not washing. Use a blanket to help shield them. Whatever it takes--think DIGNITY first!

Be sure to engage the person in active conversation. Do they like politics? World Affairs? Then make certain they have weekly news magazines. These can be topic stimulate great discussions. Do they enjoy cooking? Ask to share recipes. Bring them in the kitchen with you and ask them to talk you through a new recipe. Talk about how they first got interested in cooking, etc. Tell the person that this would be a wonderful time to do a family history book so all those memories would not be lost. It's a project that not only will keep them busy, but also validates them. Puzzles are great, whether it's crossword puzzles, 1,000 piece puzzles, or a game of Scrabble. Not all memories are necessarily good ones, but the act of stimulating one's memory is good for all of us--and especially for those with Alzheimer's, or some form of dementia. Have them go through family pictures and get them labeled and in an album. If they are unable to write the family history have them record it. How wonderful it will be for future generations to hear the stories in the person's own words!

But the most important thing you can do is to let them know they are loved and to keep them stimulated. No one wants to feel useless--and when you're incapacitated that is the predominate feeling. When I was a child my grandmother lived with us and part of her routine was that she did the dishes every night after dinner. It made her feel like a contributing member of the family. It eventually got to the point where she would wash the dishes and then after she went to bed it was necessary for me to rewash them. She never knew and still felt as though she was doing something useful for the family. With a person with Alzheimer's tasks become repetitive. Sundowning is a very prevalent problem--meaning as the sun sets most people with Alzheimer's develop a real agitation or anxiety. It helps if 15 minutes before that time arrives you start them on a task--chopping or washing vegetables, setting the table, folding the laundry. You may end up bringing them the same laundry 5 times to be refolded but it has occupied their time during that transition from day to night and it has also given them a purpose. We all need a purpose in life.