Welcome to Caregiving for Loved Ones

• Good morning!
  
  I had been a caregiver for 10 years for my Mom who was convined to a wheelchair with severe rheumatoid arthritis, had lost her vision, and had both a colostomy and ostomy. Fortunately, we were always close so I wasn't in a position of caring for someone who had drifted out of my life. If your situation is one of emotional distance then you might want to reconsider whether this is the role you CAN play in their lives.
  
  When it becomes time to be a Caregiver think of it more as a Care Partner. This allows your loved one to retain their dignity and be an active part of decision making. Even if your loved one has Alzheimer's, or another form of dementia, it is important to allow them to make the decisions that they are capable of making. It could be as simple as what clothing they'd like to wear today to being involved in every aspect of their care plan.
  
  But first allow me to give you some of my own background besides my personal experiences. I'm a Masters level psychotherapist and lead online support groups, among other things. I also hold a degree in Gerontology (the study of aging). I have worked with seniors in many capacities as a volunteer, as the Director of several Senior Centers, and as a Director of a Continuing Care Retirement Community. I'm certified in Alzheimer's training and have taught several college level courses relative to aging.
  
  The decision to keep a spouse, partner, parent, friend, or disabled child at home depends on many things. First, be honest with yourself about your own personality as well as capabilities. The heart may be willing but the body may not! Are you frequently impatient, easily frustrated, working a full time job, somewhat resentful that this has happened to YOU, emotionally detached from the person who needs you? It's much better to be really honest with yourself about this because being a Care Partner is very exhausting--both physically and emotionally. We're all different and there's no shame in recognizing that you are incapable of being that Care Partner. It is a much wiser decision to say 'no, I'm not capable of this' then to end up verbally, emotionally or physically abusing your loved one!
  
  If it is a parent who needs care sit down with any siblings that you have and see if there's a way to divide time. Often times one of the children may be more emotionally or physically available than the others. If you are that person, then you will need to take steps in order to not resent the other family members, to develop a workable plan with other members for your own respite, or seek some additional private care when you cannot be with them. If it is a spouse very often there is guilt associated with 'till death due us part'---again, the safety and well-being of the person you love is utmost. If you can't do what's needed, be a hero, and say so. Initially it may seem cruel and heartless to others, and perhaps yourself--but in the long run an alternate plan may be in the best interest of your loved one.